She comes first: Closing the sex gap

By: Alex P. Vidal

“YOU should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.” – CLARK GABLE, Gone with the Wind Let’s be honest and heal the shame that binds us.


In a book about the thinking man’s guide to pleasuring women, She Comes First, Dr. Ian Kerner, a clinical sexologist and evangelist of the female orgasm, explains why “the tongue is mightier than the sword” and “the courtesy that counts,” among other methods that seek to understanding female sexuality.

“As women everywhere will attest,” writes Kerner, “when it comes to understanding female sexuality, most guys know more about what’s under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris. And while it seems that men have struggled valiantly since the dawn of time to find ways to reliably elicit the female orgasm, rare is the guy who has the modesty to ask: ‘What do I do?’ Ironically, the answer has always been right there on the tip of his tongue.”

Oral sex has long been deemed an optional aspect of foreplay, but, in fact, it’s “coreplay” –simply the best way of leading a woman through the entire process of sexual response, according to the sexologist from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists.

Fun, informative, and easy to read She Comes First is a virtual encyclopedia of female pleasure, detailing dozens of tried-and-true techniques for satisfying a woman and illustrated step-by-step instructions to ensure success.



These simple methods represent a new era in sexual intimacy, one in which the exchange of pleasure occurs on a level playing field and fulfillment is mutual.

She Comes First offers a fresh new sexual philosophy that inspires every man to make a mantra of Rhett Butler’s infamous line to Scarlett O’Hara, “You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.”

In the “Confessions of a Premature Ejaculator,” Kerner stresses that when it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, “cunnilingus should be every man’s native tongue.”

As bestselling sex author Lou Paget has written, “Ask most women, and if they’re being honest, they will admit that what makes them hottest and come hardest is when a man can use his tongue well.”

But as with any language, explains Kerner, in order to express yourself fluently, in order to make your subject sing and soar, you must be thoroughly acquainted with the rules of grammar and style.



“One of my favorite books on the subject is the indispensable classic Elements of Style,” he points out. “I don’t think I would have made it through freshman comp, or survived college as an English major, without that slim, dog-earned paperback tucked away in my back pocket. In the able hands of author Strunk and White, grammar was not simply made understandable and meaningful—it was made beautiful.”

Kerner writes that “Elements of Style exhorted readers to ‘write boldly and make definite assertions.’ And in the spirit of that timeless classic, She Comes First will condense a wealth of experience and expertise into a simple, essential rule book; it will elaborate on the principles and philosophy that underlie those rules and, in doing so, offer nothing less than the definitive guide to the grammar of oral sex.”

The book is for those who want to learn how to give a woman “mind-blowing, body-rippling orgasms with the tongue every time.”

Although the author holds a Ph.D. in clinical sexology, the book is principally written from a practitioner’s perspective; by someone who knows and loves cunnilingus, appreciates its role in stimulating female sexual response, and has developed a methodology for consistently leading women to orgasm: one that stems from the conviction that cunnilingus is much more than just a sexual contentment. Call it the “way of the tongue,” suggests the author.



Let’s hear the confessions of the author, who is a premature ejaculator: “I’m not some Casanova or Don Juan, vainly putting words down on paper in order to boast and strut—far from it.

“Through much of my life I’ve suffered terribly from sexual dysfunction, and I know all too well the humiliation, anxiety, and despair of not being able to satisfy a woman. If anything, this book was written in the sincere hope that other men might develop effective ‘sexual habits’—ones that will enable them, along with their partners, to suffer less than I have, or perhaps not at all.”

He cites Tennessee Williams who wrote of the marriage bed in his play Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, “When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are there, right there!”

“My initial forays into oral sex were a crutch, a way of compensating for my sexual inadequacies, and they were approached with the assumption that cunnilingus was a poor man’s second to the joys and splendors of ‘real sex’—like many, I took it for granted that intercourse was the ‘right way’ for couples to experience orgasms,” Kerner admits.



“But, to my surprise, I discovered that the ‘way of the tongue’ was by no means inferior to intercourse; if anything, it was superior, in many cases the only way in which women were able to receive the persistent, rhythmic stimulation, outside of masturbation, necessary to achieve an orgasm.

“I quickly learned that oral sex is real sex, and later in life, when I happened to come across a copy of the seminal Hite Report on Female Sexuality, I was reassured to find that women consider oral sex to be ‘one of their most favorite and exciting activities; women mentioned over and over how much they loved it.’ When it comes to pleasure, there is no right or wrong way to have an orgasm—the only thing that’s wrong is to assume that women need or value them any less than men do.”

In her article “Just Be a Man: Six Simple Suggestions,” sex columnist Amy Sohn’s very first piece of advice is, “A man goes down. No excuses. No hesitation.”

But once down there, what’s a man to do? The vast majority of women complain about guys who don’t like to do it, don’t know how to do it, or simply don’t do it nearly enough.



Flannery O’Connor was right: a good man is hard to find, especially one who’s good at taking a leisurely stroll downtown. But once found, skilled cunnilinguists rarely go unappreciated.

In her essay “Lip Service: On Being a Cunning Linguist,” author and sex columnist Anka Radakovich sings the praises of a boyfriend who specialized in oral sex: “I become tongue-whipped (the female equivalent of pussy-whipped) and even offered to do his laundry if he would come over and satisfy me. After two months, I put a framed photo of his tongue on my desk.”

The confessed premature ejaculator further adds: “Those who know me know I’m a private person. I wouldn’t dream of confiding my battles with sexual dysfunction to the world if I didn’t wholeheartedly believe that there was a compelling need for this book. I know this based on what I’ve read, what I’ve been told, and, most important, what I’ve experienced firsthand as a clinical sexologist: not only do women crave and enjoy cunnilingus; they require it.

“Any sex therapist will tell you that the number one complaint they hear over and over from women is of an inability to experience orgasm during penis-vagina intercourse. The solution is not simply ‘more foreplay,’ as magazines often chide us, but rather the skillful extension of those activities we associate with foreplay, namely oral stimulation, into complete, fully realized acts of lovemaking—transformation of foreplay into nothing less than coreplay.”



Kerner’s book is not anti-intercourse, but rather pro-“outercourse”—a conception of sex that goes beyond penetration, embraces mutual pleasure, and is better suited to stimulating the female sexual anatomy to orgasm.

This model, stresses the author, doesn’t exclude intercourse, but instead promotes the postponement of male gratification until after a woman has achieved her first (but hopefully not last) orgasm during a session of sexual activity–a deferment that has the double benefit of vouchsafing female satisfaction while also significantly enhancing the quality of the male climax.

The book espouses the postponement of gratification, not the postponement of enjoyment, he emphasizes.

Kerner’s book offers man and women a surefire “bird in the hand” approach to good sex, as opposed to the high-stakes “all or nothing” proposition of intercourse. It’s time to close the sex gap and create a level playing field in the exchange of pleasure, and cunnilingus is far more than just a means for achieving this noble end; it’s the cornerstone of a news sexual paradigm, one that exuberantly extols a shared experience of pleasure, intimacy, respect and contentment. It’s also one of the greatest gifts of love a man can bestow upon a woman.


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