By: Dr. Cesar Yap Jr.
Ever wonder why your life is in a mess most of the time? You may be an intellectual. You may even belong to the upper strata. And yet, you are not happy as you should be. God forbid, you could even become a neurotic (your output decreased because of gluing internal conflict). Your brain’s been filled with trash—for somebody did, in your mind, inject!
You are their weapon of destruction
Reason? You, unknowingly, has become a “Negatadz”: or NEGATIVE ADVOCATE courtesy of HIGH CONFLICT PERSONS (HCPs) who are capable of destroying others with you as their weapon. These HCPs (I call them SOB’s or Sorcerers of Blame) are unhappy persons who find and blame a certain person as the reason for their sadness—the latter as possible threat to their success or just the focus of their envy.
They want you as NEGATADZ to destroy their targets
Bill Eddy of High Conflict Institute and author of “5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life!” describe these HCPs not only as ones with possible Personality Disorders, but as persons with additional obsessions to blame and destroy a certain person (their ‘Target of Blame’) by intentionally influencing you—hooking you emotionally with their intense emotions—to hate their innocent Target of Blame. They are so obsessed to look for NEGATIVE ADVOCATES to help them destroy their Targets. Poor uninformed innocent NEGATADZ you. You also shall hate and destroy somebody without a clue.
Your Professional Pitfall
As a lawyer or mediator, you’ve lost your impartiality only to realize later that your actions as NEGATADZ can cause you potential embarrassment. As a doctor, once you became a NEGATADZ, your management of a certain patient, or your perception of the innocent target-colleague can be affected. As a political leader, with HCP as one of your cordon sanitaire, you should be extra careful. You may change your sides to certain persons and issues and start your own downfall—supposedly an avoidable pitfall.
And what about us “madlang people?”
I refuse to be NEGATADZ
For I used to be one before as I readily listened and absorbed the intense hateful emotions of those charming and seductive High Conflict Persons (HCP) in high school. I also hated their targets of blame; not until I realized in college days that I also became the target. Until now, I am a favorite Target; but I love it because, instead of being destroyed, I received the good shower of luck that should have been of the HCPs. Ipso facto, my bad luck goes to them. But I learned it the hard way: you should know the HCPs first, understand why they do the blame and why are they too hateful, and, lastly, pray for their souls.
Time to stabilize the mind and be happy this 2019
Bill Eddy suggested these seven preventive tips to avoid becoming a NEGATADZ:
- Remain logically stable. Monitor your feelings. The brain can be easily swayed by intense emotions. Protect your common sense.
- Leave some ‘healthy doubts’ in your brain. Weigh all sides. Personally, I always look at the motives of a possible HCP talking (read: gossiping) to me about a target of blame.
- It’s not a life and death situation: more often, there is really no crisis. So, relax and stay away from the HCP.
- Allow numerous endpoints: there are plenty of hues to believe in something. It is not black or white. It is not all-or-none. More so, it is not one hit then run!
- Be a “POSITADZ”: read more information. Weigh all commonsensical options. Look for positive aspects of the victim as target.
- Be ready with possible response in your pockets: “You may be right. Let’s see the other side’s story.” My favorite especially if the HCP won’t stop ‘back-stabbing’ his target of blame: “You can be right, but he is my friend!” Only then he stops his pestering.
- Get the other side’s perspectives: Ask the target’s professional supporters; friends, family to shed light on the target’s possible innocence. The target’s social media accounts can be a good information source about the victim’s personality.
Be informed. Be tough mentally. Be happy!
Why do I write these? To keep you mentally tough and remain happy the whole year through. You can be an HCP. You can be a NEGATADZ. It is your choice. But remember: the brain can be easily manipulated. Before you know it, your amygdalic neurolinguistic mirroring weak brain (you yawn when somebody yawns) has already absorbed the damaging thoughts injected by the mongers.
For me: I simply follow Dawson McAllister’s (The Danger of Gossip) truism: “Stay away from people who gossip to you; they will gossip about you. Don’t associate with people who find such great joy in belittling others.”
Transformation words for 2019
My dear friends, new years are always new beginnings. For the NEGATADZ: unload the heavy burdens. Time to free your mind from harmful influence of the SOB’s. Stay away (as what many do once they realized they are being used or abused) from High Conflict Persons now that you knew them.
For the Targets of Blame: you (we) are the innocent victims. Just stay honorable. Remember the cliché—throw bread in return as stone has hit you. Dale Carnegie says: “Nobody dared to kick a dead dog.” We are alive! So, offer the other face after he slapped the other side.
And you think I feel holy with those advices? WRONG!
Yes, I always do those pious things – in my dreams. I’m not a saint. My dear friends, you have to stay strong with your brain. Once hit, I kick and slap back – only harder. Bread? Well, grenade explodes and a stone doesn’t.
Today, as I get back to work: I shall not get mad. I’LL JUST GET EVEN!
Happy and healthy 2019!